So What Would I Want in a Relationship Anyways?

love

I’ve been a proud member of “Team Single” for nearly two years. I have nothing against strong happy couples. This time of self discovery has been eye opening and thrilling, but I miss the connection and intimacy with another human being who understands me and aspires toward the same goals and shares the same values.

Although I haven’t been actively looking for a partner in crime, I haven’t really given thought to what I would like in a future relationship. How can you know if someone is the right one if you don’t know what you want? Everyone says “it will just happen” and to “stop looking for it” but there’s no shame in knowing what you want and what you don’t want. Be smart. Learn from past relationships and what you have observed

I had a very unstable childhood – bouncing in and out of foster care and experiencing sexual, mental, and physical abuse. I’ve been in relationships with drug addicts and people who have cheated on me and physically hurt me. I’ve been married, divorced, and burned more times than I can count. I certainly know what I DON’T want in future relationships, but do I know what I WANT? Do I know what I deserve? Well, here’s a start….

Trust – One of the most important aspects of a relationship is Trust. This one should speak for itself. This is also one of the biggest areas I struggle with. I have a big heart and I give people the benefit of the doubt. I would like to believe that humans are innately good, but taking a look back on my track record, it’s hard not to throw my hands up and laugh – people will always disappoint. People will always break your trust, but it’s up to you to forgive, learn, and continue to love. Who deserves that? Who’s worth the patience? Who’s worth learning to trust?

Respect – People will sacrifice their worth and self respect so they won’t have to sleep alone at night. They will tolerate the bullshit, none-sense, ignorance, superficiality, and lack luster because they are afraid to be alone. I will not stay in a relationship where I do not feel like I am an equal. I deserve respect. I will not reduce myself for another person, and I would not ask another person to reduce themselves for me. I consider myself an open minded person, and although I may not share the same values as some, I still have respect for everyone.

Communication – There is no relationship or friendship without communication. All of my closest friends keep open communication and that’s how our friendships work. If we want to know what the other person is thinking, we simply ask. If we want to know how the other person is feeling, we ask. If we are facing a problem that needs solving, we collectively work together using clear communication, respect, and trust to find a solution. This applies to an intimate relationship as well. A relationship is not one sided, you need to be open with the other person. If the other person does not feel comfortable in doing so – then there is a problem. Rather than becoming defensive, have empathy and practice being receptive.

Patience – Every relationship requires patience. I personally require a great amount. Although I am grateful for my childhood struggles because they have contributed to my character today; I combat anxiety, depression, and self doubt constantly. Some days are harder than others. Even though I can be a handful from time to time, I deserve someone who is patient and understanding, as well as nonjudgemental and supportive. I will also practice patience and be supportive of them, being open and creating a judgement free zone.

Unconditional Love – I grew up in a religious home that preached unconditional love but did not practice it. I do my best to be understanding of people and their situations and I don’t judge when it’s not my place to judge. People will make mistakes and will hurt you, and with so many factors out of our control, the only thing we CAN control is how we react, forgive, and continue to show unconditional love. Find someone who deserves your unconditional love and who will love you unconditionally in return.

Freedom – I am the type of person who values their independence and I never want to feel controlled. I want to be with someone who understands that. I don’t want to check in and ask permission to go somewhere, to spend time with my friends, or even spend time alone. A strong healthy relationship is built on trust, so whoever I am with needs to understand that. They need to trust me and they need to give me my freedom. I want the same for them as well – I want them to be free to be who they are.

“If you love something, let it go. If it returns, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it wasn’t.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.” – Richard Bach

Goal Oriented – Ambitious but humble. Passionate for life and driven. So many people these days lack motivation and stop living. When I walk down a crowded street or ride the bus I always wonder, “How many of these people are actually living?” You don’t have to have a huge salary or even a degree, but what are you doing to contribute to the betterment of all? I still don’t know what my purpose in the world is, but I strive to become a better person every day, I try to do good, and I help people when I’m in the position to do so. I work hard in my career, I educate myself outside of school and inside of school, and I take care of my body, my home, my dog son, and my friends and family.

Healthy Mind, Body, and Spirit – Mental, physical, and spiritual health is important to me. It can be difficult to balance all three, but as long as you are trying, that’s all anyone could ask for. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect anyone else to be. Being aware of your mental health means you realize what your weaknesses are and actively work towards improving them. My biggest weakness is reacting before I rationally think things through. This has been a cause of many relationship issues, but in the past year and half, I have made huge strides in improvement and do my best to think before I react.

Physical health is taking care of your body, which can in turn improve your mental health. I don’t expect everyone to be a gym fanatic like myself, but everyone should be physically active in some way – taking your dog for a walk, yoga, going for a run, swimming, lifting, dancing, etc. Also fuel your body with proper nutrition – but always leave room for dessert.

Although I am not religious, I consider myself spiritual; spiritual in the way that I have a deep respect for the Universe, everything and everyone around me, and I understand that my actions effect more than just me. We should be good people and treat people well because we genuinely want to, not because we fear our actions will punish us. All this world needs is love.

It may seem like I’m asking for a lot and have high standards, but hell, I wouldn’t have it any other way and I’ll wait patiently for the person who deserves all my love.

~Jess

 

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